Spaceward, Ho!

From Rachelle to Orphan

From the Desk of Captain Rachelle Xavious,

Dear Orphanchild,

During our recent encounter with the human resistance group known as The Returners there was an opportunity to do some training with some of their ordinance disposal teams. They had….recovered some items from a few Zulgos that were…no longer needing them. The logs that were recovered by the Space Patrol Investigative Division seem to indicate that an unfortunate robotics accident left their Zulgos ground patrol riddled with chaingun bullets, hacked to pieces, and antennae removed and weaved into a 3D structure of a traditional Earthling salute done with the middle finger. The Returners have nothing to add to this report.

Among the various personal effects the Zulgos patrol seemed to have large quantities of what looked like some kind of high grade explosives! Being the concerned galactic citizens they are The Returners took the time to liberate these dangerous items and safely store them in case the authorities came looking for them. Of course, there are always more priorities and The Returners Signal Corps just never got the chance to inform the authorities about their missing equipment. Their experts determined that these explosives were soon to expire anyways so they decided to do some disposal work for the benevolent and merciful Space Patrol.

Being that I was trained by some of the best “garbage men” in the galaxy I volunteered to take the recruits out and show them the process for how to get rid of the absolutely legitimately gained and absolutely non-incriminating explosives. You see—the best way to cover up an explosion is with, what else? Another explosion! And it just so happened that in their Museum of Super Safe Rare Earth Artifacts they had the largest infantry deploy-able Earthling explosive device ever conceived. The RUMSFLD (named after a 21st century warlord). After flying out to a nearby asteroid we placed the…trash….and the RUMSFLD in a crater, flew out to a safe distance, and detonated the whole lot. For a moment it was as if the blackness of space was illuminated by a lightbulb turned on by an ephemeral light switch. Raw plasma flowed like a beautiful river through the sector and vaporized everything it touched. It was over and now The Returners could continue with their mission of civic virtue to all.


This. . . is. . . everything.


From Rachelle to Orphan

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